Fully Automatic High-Capacity Assault Diplomacy

By Bob Parkinson, New York Times columnist

Sort of like an AR-15’s direct-impingement system, UN councils largely operate on blowing hot air directly back into the action group, in order to churn out a steady stream of intermediate-power resolutions.

Also sort of like an AR-15, the Disarmament and International Security Committee (DISEC) is best used in single shots, instead of as a relentless spray of diplomacy at 600 rounds a minute, where the recoil force is so great that it goes everywhere without actually hitting any targets.

Most prominently, just like an AR-15, the DISEC is easy to dress up in a whole retinue of fancy gear to make it look cool and cutting-edge when it’s really the same old thing since the middle of last century, back when Marines were banging it out in Khe Sanh with the VC.

You ever hear of those Zimbabwean hunters who made firearms out of mining carts? Crazy, but I’ve shot one of those and I still have all 10 fingers. Did you know they ground down matches to make gunpowder? It was really sick, almost as much as those Beretta corporate videos where they show this big white machine milling their rifle bolts.

Back when I was covering the Libyan Revolution, I got a ride in an ancient BMP with a bunch of literal bells and whistles mounted on its engine block, so I can tell you first-hand that the sort of arms we’re most worried about tend to have been passed around like the neighbourhood bicycle so much that you almost forget they come from up in the old Soviet bloc.

Notice the crack and pop of DShKs and KPVs over in Eastern Europe all the way from Abkhazia to the musty Donbass? It’s funny: you can’t create peace until the firearms are removed, but you can’t remove the firearms from the people until you can convince them that peace exists.

Austria’s new AUG model has some really cool features, but the best one is how so much is made of plastic that it weighs barely six pounds. You know, they used to say you could sneak a Glock through customs because it had so little metal, and even though that’s fake, you can see the metaphor to be had here.

Maybe, this time, DISEC will have so many noncommittal and vague clauses that they’ll be able to sneak a resolution through even if the whole thing hasn’t a lick of action in it.

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